How storytelling helps a child heal:

One of the best ways to help a grieving child in your care is to let him tell you his story of what happened as many times as he needs. If he does not have the verbal skills, vocabulary or cannot seem to talk about the death, then provide other languages and pathways for him to retell his story. He can draw or paint what he believes happened to his person who died, and in this way he is retelling his personal narrative. Listen reflectively while he shares what he has made; he is telling his story.

Many children will play out, or act out, parts of what they understand happened in traumatic events in dramatic play areas of the classroom. This may be an opportunity for the supportive adult to ask to join the play, "What part may I be?" As the adult is assigned a role, they are invited in and may listen and become part of the unfolding story. In this way the adult may companion as the child directs, guides and retells his story of what happened. It is important to allow the child to make decisions about what happens in the scene, and for the play to remain a no judgment zone. (If it feels safe to play, it will feel safe to say it.) Older children may write their stories out, either in journal form, or embedding parts of what hurts or is confusing to them in stories they create. Until a child is 7 or 8 they are unable to fully understand the permanency of death. Adults who provide safe spaces to retell their story of what happened to their person who died offer grieving children opportunities to reach higher levels of cognition and grief growth. Storytelling is a way for young children to accomplish the task of revisiting the event repeatedly to help them understand their person is not coming back.

Giving a child frequent and regular opportunities to tell you their story of what happened to them aids in the development of that child's brain function. As teachers, we understand the multitude of ways storytelling benefits the child; among them storytelling strengthens comprehension, expands a child's vocabulary, allows him to articulate a point of view and is a strong pre-reading strategy. By retelling his own narrative the grieving child remembers and/or focuses on different aspects of what has happened (recalling things he has seen, heard and experienced), and he adds these facts to his understanding of the event. As he retells, he remembers more details and grows in his ability to understand what has happened. As adults we practice this all the time. If we have a car accident, or some other distressing event, we tell the police officer our story. We then go home and retell our story to a family member and the narrative changes as we remember different aspects of the event. The next day we might tell a friend about what happened and the story continues to evolve; by telling our story repeatedly we gain understanding and we begin to feel more accepting of what happened. It is  a relief to tell our story to someone who will listen. Grieving children need the opportunity to retell their stories to help them heal.

Curt Thompson, counselor and brain researcher explains how storytelling changes brain function in his book,  Anatomy of the Soul: If we experience a cataclysmic event (like the death of someone close to us) without help or counsel, fear leads to the disintegration of our prefrontal cortex, which often results in isolation and distancing. We shut down. We become overwhelmed and we need help organizing our thinking. In a crisis the left side of our brain takes over and logical, factual data mining prevail. We become like reporters of a crime scene.

Here is where the healing power of storytelling is significant: When we tell our story to a true listener repair begins. The right side of our brains, the feelings and thoughts about our relationship to what happened, are given permission to rise to the surface and take their rightful places in this crisis equation. Every time we tell our story we are given the chance to organize our thinking, remember new details and we gain a little more acceptance. Thompson tells us when storytelling, the neuroplasticity in our brains allow us to create new neurons, make neural connections, and delete what we no longer need to remember about the story. The change in brain function when a grieving child tells a caring (quiet) adult his story is genuine science, and confirms the healing power of sharing a narrative.

Each time a grieving child tells you his story he remembers it a little differently, grows with it, nurturing himself toward growing alongside his grief. (Remember, no one moves past grief, we grow with it. It is always part of our story.) Listen reflectively, let the child tell you what they need, how they feel, and validate the child by acknowledging what they are telling you is okay. Anger, fear, regret, worry. Everything is accepted and allowed. This is how you help a grieving child.

Thompson, C. (2010). Anatomy of the soul. Carrollton: Tyndale.

Copyright (2014) Suzanne Bayer. All Rights Reserved.