Grief bursts; lousy surprises

"Grief bursts: Sudden, unexpected and strong feelings of sadness, sometimes long after the event of death. They are often very scary for children."  

-Dr. Alan Wolfelt, grief counselor, founder of the Center for Loss and Transition

Grief bursts are non-predictive, jolting and have no statute of limitations. And yes, they are lousy. A grief burst can happen as you're holding your firstborn. Your lips are pursed on her peach-fuzzy head, you're drinking in her intoxicating newborn scent, then suddenly you feel the weight of not having your mother with you to experience this joy. Bam! In an instant you're leveled. Euphoria mingles with melancholy, and your heart aches with longing. A grief burst may break into that gorgeous summer morning as you wade into the shallow waters of the Huron river, fly fishing gear in tow, the smell of sticky pine trees and sounds of rushing rapids nearby invade your senses. The stressors of work are falling away, and you begin to lose yourself in this little piece of heaven. Suddenly you buckle, yearning for the days when you and Dad fished silently, side-by-side. It's all too much, the grief resumes with a sickening jolt, and it is all so very suddenly and agonizingly raw. Yet often, because we are adults and have learned to self-regulate our emotions, we plow through the pain. If we are lucky and we have someone to talk to and we will hear the gentle reassurance that it will be okay.  If not, we try and soothe ourselves. This will be a cycle that repeats relentlessly, so we adapt.

Kids struggle to adapt. Grief bursts are very frightening for kids. "Many children will not initiate talking about their grief attacks. They often, instead, give indirect cues. When these urgent cues are not heard or are misunderstood, the result is often another experience of loss for the child." (Wolfelt, 1996) I interpret what Dr. Wolfelt refers to as additional loss as punishment. I think what Dr. Wolfelt warns us about is that if we are not careful, we may confuse grief bursts with bad behavior or acting out. Sure, this can happen easy enough- Sally will not put her shoes on. (Again!) Max refuses to eat with the rest of the family. These scenes with young children are typical enough. And because a child is not able to articulate the sensation of missing their loved one is such a big and scary way, they do act out in whatever manner is unique to them. Maybe backtalk, for some it can be refusal to comply, it can be damaging or breaking things. Some children will become physical and some retreat in silence.

The important thing for us, as adult caregivers, to know is we've got to stop and take a momentary mental inventory of what the child is saying-or not saying, look for body language cues- and find a way to reassure the them they are safe and with someone who will listen. Tell them you'll be there for them no matter what they do or say. You are their safe place. Explain that you are ready to listen, and while they are deciding if they want to tell you about their big feelings inside, gently enforce the rebuilding of whatever boundaries are being pushed. It feels safer to kids to keep the boundaries consistent. Grieving kids need to know there is nothing they can do to lose your love. Tough stuff. Supporting bereaved children is not for sissies.

Copyright (2014) Suzanne Bayer. All Rights Reserved.